Freddy vs Jason

This film is full of cringe. CRINGE CRINGE CRINGE
Teenagers with massive boob jobs, naïve virgins, douchbags boys with names like Blake and Trey. It was spot on horror film plot default. I feel like it would’ve been fun to watch Friday the 13th before I watched this, since I haven’t seen them all, but I’ll leave that for next time.
Freddy Krueger is sad because the people of Elm Street have forgotten him, and being forgotten he cannot kill because he lives through people’s fear. So he finds Jason, wherever Jason lives, and makes him to kill in Elm street. The adults of Elm Street remember Freddy, so when teenagers appear dead in bed, they assume Freddy is back, though they try to keep it contained so fear doesn’t spread out and summons him again.
Every scene in this film is fucking stupid. Except when Jason or Freddy kill someone, which is a relief because these teenagers are such one sided characters, I can’t even. At any point one can relate or feel sorry for them, the actors are so bad it’s like they’re taking the piss.
I did not like it back in the day I saw this in the cinemas, but treating it as a comedy, because who can even take these actors serious, makes the experience slightly better.
Alas, Jason gets out of control and starts stealing Freddy’s victims. In the meantime, the police keeps trying to hide Freddy’s reappearance while new town cop, tries to convince them it’s a Jason Vorhees copycat. As no one listens to him, he goes and talk to the teenagers who, out of nowhere, immediately assume the entire plot and decide to pit Jason against Freddy.
Their fight, as expected is the climax and it’s kind of hilarious. None of them can really die, so this shit could have lasted a really long time.
I’m going to go all in with this review because this film is unbelievable so anything past this are massive spoilers:
Jason is afraid of being wet even though he lives by the fucking lake, and Freddy is afraid of fire even though he did really well surviving a massive one. But I guess they were kinda going for a water vs fire shit.
So during the fight, Jason is asleep and Freddy is in his dream. Idiot main girl decides to join in and help Jason because they feel like their odds are better against him (even though he survived like 12 films and one of them was in space). So while her idiot friends drive the sleepyheads to Crystal Lake, she tries to help Jason in dream while he relives his drowning.
In real life, Kelly Rowland has to do a mouth-to-mouth to zombie Jason who is passed out in the van. Luckily (or not, I don’t know) Jason wakes up and crashes the van. Freddy is annoyed and attacks main girl in dream, since no one can wake her up. Her woken friends make it to Crystal Lake where Jason draws near and sets the cabin on fire by accident. Getting burnt, main girl wakes up and drags Freddy to non-dream world.

Then it’s real life Freddy vs Jason violently destroying each other with a heavy metal soundtrack which I’m 140% fine with.
Seriously, fuck the rest of the film and watch only this part.

Because after that, there’s main girl, main boy, and Kelly Rowland. And Freddy is undecided between which he’s going to attack first, and he picks Kelly Rowland because she’s black. And, my friends, I’m not even fucking kidding. He literally looks at all of them and goes “Hm, dark meat” and proceeds to kill her. And by “proceeds to kill her” I mean they spend a good 2 minutes talking crap, then Jason comes and kills her instead.
They continue their fight. And again, if this film could use its 97 minutes of running time just showing Freddy and Jason fighting with the film’s soundtrack in the background, I’d rate this 10/10.
But yeah, no. They kinda kill each other but not really because we know they don’t die. Main girl gets badass with her bloodied cleavage and they leave the burning camp.

In the final scene, Jason gets out of the lake holding Freddy’s head that is still laughing and winking at the viewers.

Cut to credits with Ill Nino.

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Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare

Hey, hey, it’s 10 years later and everyone in town is dead!
Except this one guy (Shon Greenblatt).
Okay not literally everyone, but every teen and child in Springwood because Freddy killed them all. (I’m not sure what Freddy’s goal is, now that I think about it? Like does he want to annihilate humanity or does he just kill for pure enjoyment?)
Freddy picks up This Guy and tosses him into somewhere far, planning on using him as bait to bring more children in. This Guy loses his memory as he falls, and is found by the police and taken to a teen shelter.
Maggie (Lisa Zane), the psychiatrist in the shelter, starts to relate to his dreams and insists on taking him back to Springwood despite his insistence on the town being evil and him not wanting to go back.
As they ride, three of the rebellious teens of the shelter appear to have hidden in the van with them.
As they reach the town, every single adult seems to be acting as weird as fuck in some sort of mass psychosis and, of course, no children are found. Just loads of newspaper clippings saying they’re dead or missing.
In the meantime, the three teenagers are sent home by Maggie but are unable to drive away from the town as they seem to be going in circles.
Finding signs that there was a child by the name of K. Kruger, they start to suspect Freddy has had a child and that This Guy is it.

I mean the whole premise is that Freddy can’t leave Springwood on its own, and I’m like WTF, all those other idiots had to do was move out of town and they’d be safe?
Johnny Depp makes a small cameo (remember when he was cool?), there’s a video game dream sequence, Freddy’s makeup also improved. The special effects, dated now, are also better and more daring than the previous films. It was nice seeing Robert Englund without makeup, a sneak preview of Freddy before his death.
However, this film was shit.
There was something completely off. The characters were forgettable and dull. Maybe it became too 90s, maybe they tried to make it too serious by humanising Freddy a bit too much. Drunk dad, bullying, self-mutilation, being a ginger. They really made an effort to relate or feel sorry for.
Please stop, this is not that kind of film.
I did appreciate that it was his daughter that ultimately killed him, but I’m a Star Wars fan, so I suppose I love family drama.
These films are funny, this one was stupid. I was conflicted between this being the worst one or Dream Master earning that title. But I might be more inclined to this one.
*gags*

 
“Every town has an Elm Street”

A Nightmare on Elm Street IV – Dream Master

There’s something about the 80s songs in these films…
I had not seen this film entirely. I might have started it, I honestly don’t remember.
We start up in front of Freddy’s house. Kristen, who is no longer Patricia Arquette (because apparently she was pregnant IRL), is in a dream and calls of Joey and Kincaid (from Dream Warriors) for help. She thinks Freddy is back even though they can’t see him and the boiler in the house is cold. Her friends advise her to stop dreaming about him as that may actually bring him back.
Kristin’s mum, who is just as fucking stupid as ever, decides to sedate her so of course Freddy comes and burns her alive. Before she dies, Kristin summons Alice to her dream and sends her a part of her soul.
Obviously, and despite the massive kill count of teenagers in the neighbourhood, no one believes Alice when she says Freddy is responsible for the deaths. For every single person that dies, and I swear that cemetery got its population doubled, Alice gets their powers/skills.
I think this is my least favourite. Do you know how distracting it is to watch this film so closely after the last one, and pretend I believe Kristen is the same person? Adding to the fact that she is a horrid, horrid actress, even by horror movie standards.
“How’s this for a wet dream?”

A Nightmare on Elm Street III – Dream Warriors (1987)

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Nancy is back, but our main character is Kristin (Patricia Arquette) who starts by dreaming she is in an abandoned house running away from Freddy. She wakes up scared and goes into the bathroom where he is waiting for her, grabbing her and trying to slit her wrists. Kristin’s mum hears screaming and comes just in time to see a cut on Kristin’s arm while on the other hand she holds a razor blade. Thinking she tried to commit suicide, Kristin is sent to a mental hospital, where immediately we hear the news about a series of teenage suicides happening in town.
Nancy shows up as the new intern therapist, and hears Kristin chanting Freddy’s nursery rhyme, already assuming that Freddy is the cause of this dream hysteria and related suicides.
Dreaming again back in the abandoned house, Kristin yells for Nancy who hears her and gets transported into her dream. As they escape, Nancy explains that this used to be her house.

I quite like this one. It’s one of my favourites and a really good sequel to the first. The deaths are original, Freddy is always funny, the puns are always on point.
We also have insight into Freddy’s background story but without being too cringy.

“Welcome to prime time, bitch.”

A Nightmare on Elm Street II – Freddy’s Revenge (1985)

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This film opens with a school bus scene with Freddy as the driver, I didn’t even take the bus to school and I remember this scene being really scary for me. Probably because I was like 11 or 12 when I first rented this VHS. I swear the people at the store did not give a fuck that I was too young to watch it and because I spent my young years half living in that shop with my parents card. Which was fine by me, really.
Anyway, Jesse (Mark Patton) moves to Nancy’s former house in Elm Street around five years after the first film and, of course, starts having nightmares. In school a colleague tells him that the girl that used to live there went crazy after seeing her boyfriend being murdered from across the street.
Later, his lady friend, Lisa (Kim Myers – who looks like Meryl Streep’s long lost sister), finds Nancy’s diary while helping to unpack his room and they read about Freddy.
Freddy chases Jesse expressing his desire to have Jesse kill for him.
Jesse’s mum suggests psychiatrists but his dad dismisses as either drugs or the necessity of having his bottom kicked. When Jesse confronts his dad about the murders that happened in the house, he says he knew all along but still dismisses it.
Lisa, however, finds about Fred Krueger and the boiler room he died in and shows it to Jesse.
Freddy just shows up regardless of whether you’re awake or not, the plot doesn’t try too hard and in the end he gets beaten by the power of love. *roll eyes*
Lisa though, deserves a medal, she actually fights back when Freddy attacks her when others just sit and get stabbed like a fucking deer in front of your high speeding car.
In this film, Wes Craven only has writing credits for the characters so I’m going to assume he didn’t really contribute to the story besides it. I guess that explains why it wasn’t so nice.
It’s sure a disappointment after the original, but it’s not the worst one, probably just the least memorable.
From this film onwards, Freddy sort of attacks regardless of the kids being asleep. Or maybe they’re all suffering from narcolepsy.

“Elm Street? You telling me you moved into that big white house with bars on the window?”

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

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This is one of my favourite horror films of all time. My favourite horror movie series of all time. The first one because I genuinely think it’s a great horror film. The rest of them, mainly because I just love this series.
As Halloween approaches, I decided to rewatch the whole series because it’s been a long while.
As franchises go, I appreciated any Freddy I can have, if nothing else for its humour. But realistically, there are three that I find legitimately good films: Nightmare on Elm Street, Nightmare on Elm Street III – Dream Warriors and Wes Craven’s New Nightmare.
The others, I haven’t watched in a long time. So I’m eager to know how I feel about them. (Except for the 2010 remake, which I watched in the cinemas when it came out and it made me want to stuff whoever created it in a boiler and set them on fire, and I absolutely refuse to mention it again)
I’ve also found a documentary about it (Never Sleep Again) which I didn’t know existed and I plan on watching after I’m done with this.

Anyway, there’s only so much I can say about Nightmare on Elm Street.
We meet Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) a teenager, and her friends who seem to die, one by one, after having terrible nightmares about a man with a blade glove. Nancy herself starts having these dreams and waking up with injuries she realises he can harm them in real life, as he does while they’re sleeping.
Later we found that Freddy was a child murderer who was unfairly released and that the town decided to take justice into their own hands.

Since sleeping is something we all should do on a daily (well, nightly) basis, Freddy as a villain is very hard to avoid. But what wins this for me over all other horror film franchises, is Freddy’s sadistic humour. His quotes and puns are awesome and he’s definitely one of my favourites.

Bojack Horseman

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I tried this series last year, after postponing it for a while, when I sat down with the boyfriend for a lazy Sunday dinner, and decided we might as well watch a couple of episodes. Season started mediocre and we kept watching, half-heartedly, because it wasn’t that bad.
Within the next week we obsessively binge watched the whole series.  After that slow start, it became one of my favourite animated adult series.
Mostly because I am quite the fan of black comedy and dark moods, and this show hits the right spot. Every little bit of detail is well thought and the continuity is crazy.
Season 3 ended on a frankly dark note and I binged watched season 4 this Sunday.
The character development of all of them, the inner struggles, the twists. It did not disappoint.

There’s a lot to say about Bojack, there’s nothing I’d change about it.

Dragon Age: Inquistion

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Reminiscing on my old screenshots of Dragon Age, I’ve decided to give another shot to Inquisition. I never really finished this game and I feel like I haven’t touched it in nearly two years?
Just re-read my old entry about DA:I and I’ve realised I had restarted the game already. Mostly because I forgot to load the stupid DA Keep tapestry.
I played at least 80 hours according to Origin app, but I remembered it so vaguely and that is not a very good sign.

However with this replay I feel like I have more to say about it.
Once again I’m not that interested.
If these people all died in a fire, I would not move a single finger to so much wave goodbye, as they burned in the distance.

Cullen is here and now he’s datable, which -ah- he used to have a crush on my mage yeah, and now we can hook up. Varric is back, sadly not yet to date. But still he’s the best of all besties. I love Dorian and Vivanne as characters. I find Iron Bull mildly amusing, I haven’t played much with Cole to be honest. Blackwall and Sera, I totally forgot they existed until I started playing again. Either way, there are more characters I like than those I don’t. Some of them I actually think it’s a waste to be in this game. I don’t even care a bit about my Inquisitor. Someone who, as I usually, was made to the image of myself.
The best thing about this was the inquistor table. I makes you feel like you’re actually as relevant as the story tells you, sending people to do quests. It also changes a bit from Hawke, having to do every single piece of crap yourself because nothing gets done withut you.
This villain: I can’t believe they had nothing else so they decided to bring back Corypheus. Bringing back people, or whatever beast, from the dead is what shitty horror movie sequels do. The kind of shitty horror movie sequels that just want to cash in using a formula that previously worked without going through the trouble of adding anything to it. EA WHY U DO THIS

I can’t exactly pin point what’s wrong with Inquisition. It was tedious even before I found out about Corypheus. I do feel like after the complaints about DA2 being too short, they actually made an effort to add more content. I mean you can get well over 100 hours of gameplay. The scenary is diverse and  there’s no shortage of quests, yet most of them felt pointless. I did it because it’s an rpg not because i was interested in their outcome.
And the hole in the sky plot? I’ve seen worse. It didn’t even think the plot pace was particulary slow. Yet I wasn’t curious for the ending, I didn’t look forward to developing friendships or romances, I didn’t care about this world, nor the quests were particularly engaging.

I am, once again, disinterested.

Dragon Age: 2

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I’d like to start this post by saying I didn’t dislike Dragon Age: 2.
To be fair, I also didn’t buy this as soon as it came out, so knowing that people weren’t pleased with it considerably lowered my expectations.
Now, it doesn’t even compare to Origins. But I think on its own, without the Dragon Age name, DA:2 wouldn’t have been so bashed. Specially now, I go back and see that there were a lot of good things.
I think the 2 in the title also implied there would be a sequel. Like Awakening, but longer, a full on game. Maybe that alone would make my hopes go up.

First, I really like the gameplay. I liked it better than Origins. The animations were better, as it should be. Hawke had a voice actor which I also found to add to the story engagement. Varric is my favourite companion after Shale. We had Anders from Awakening, and yes he fucks up everything, but I got quite excited since he was an interesting character.
We didn’t have the amount of choice/consequence Origins had. The game was much shorter, and for a similar price from when Origins first retailed. Which may be something to be expected these days, but annoying regardless.
The replay value of Origins is magnificent, while DA2 got a couple of runs.
I see now that it was a completely different and nearly parallel story in the same universe, you didn’t have an actual choice, but were tricked into thinking you do.
The gaps between in game years were also poorly detailed, as if the story was left on hold, but they had to let pass that amount of years before the end of the game for a reason we didn’t get to know.
We were watching Hawke’s life other than controlling it. Then left with the  vague implication that it would line up in the next sequel.

Like I said, it would be an okay game on its own but definitely not a Dragon Age worthy game.

Dragon Age: Origins / Awakening

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When I first saw a friend playing DA:O I thought it looked like shit. His character was engaging in the most expressionless looking conversation ever. It looked like Neverwinter Nights. And I really liked NWN, but it’s at least 7 years older than DA:O. I mean there were far better looking games out there. My friend did say he was sure I’d like it and I did make note of that. I mean, I appreciate a good looking game, but that’s definitely not the most important. It was a poor first impression.
A few months after, when I got the time, I decided to give it a shot. It is an RPG after all, and a Bioware one for that matter (to me, for a long time, Bioware was a given that a game would be good).
By this time Awakening had already came out, so I got both together.

I might have mentioned it before, but this is one of my favourite games.
The DLCs, together with Awakening, were worth every penny. The gameplay was nice, the characters, albeit still as expressive as NWN, had engaging personalities. It was easy to like the story, and your choices did actually change the course of it. The different outcomes gave the game even more replay value.
I gave it a few runs, some more complete than others. My first one being, as usual, the human mage. But one feels compelled to try every single one of them, 6 combinations. Different outcomes in different endings. It was an RPG fan’s dream.

I loved NWN and KotoR. But DA:O made Bioware my very favourite video game company. It set the bar so high that even now, I keep coming back this.